In Christ Alone

Again I am in a weird funk. I absolutely hate when I get like this and I don't hate too many things...well that is debatable, but I really try to not hate things! I am surrounded by good friends and family, I have a good job, and God has blessed me in so many ways...yet I still feel like I am all alone amongst so many insincere faces. These few months of summer have stretched me in more ways that I would have liked. It goes in waves of self-pity to giddy joy back to self-pity. Right now I'm in the self-pity stage and trying to get out of it for it isn't healthy. For some reason whenever I start feeling connected again with friends here in Spokane something comes up and I feel ostracized again. I have a feeling that this is partially a Spiritual attack and goes deeper than I realize. Satan in his jealous wrath sees me growing in Christ and being encouraged and built up, so he sends his demons to torture my soul trying to drag me back to the depths from which I came. I am plagued with feelings of no self-worth, that I am not good enough, that my past sins will get in the way of future relationships, that I will never truly be connected in any circle, that I am not pretty enough, that I will never succeed in my goals, that whatever I do it will not be enough! But these are lies! I am God's beautiful daughter who is blessed and looked upon with favor! God sees my growth and smiles upon me and showers me with His love. Even as the tears fall down my cheeks He picks me up in His arms and paints me a sunset and pours down the rain to hide my tears and gives me the hope I need to carry on. Even as the Devil plagues me, it teaches me true dependence on Christ, and that in Him I will find my fulfillment, and only Him! I can do anything in Christ, and He gives me all I ever need. When I cry out to Him, He listens when no one else will. Sometimes I even feel like I am disconnected from God...but I know with all my heart that this is never true. His word promises over and over that He will never leave us or forsake us, if we draw near to Him He will draw near to us, if we seek Him with all our heart He will answer, when we knock at the door He will answer and give us all we ask of Him! In Christ we should never be wanting, except for our sin nature that gets in the way. All we can do is trust in Him, pray hard, forgive often, confess our sins even more often, and live in His hope, for there is nothing else we can do.

Little Life Lessons

Over this summer I've learned a few things...believe it or not.

1. The more mature I've gotten the more I am ok with myself being immature at appropriate times. (This has stemmed from working with a bunch of younger guards.)

2. Live every day giving one hundred percent, because God can use you in any circumstance, whether you like it or not. (Thanks to Azumi for this one, she said it kind of on a whim when I first met her, and it really struck a chord with me!)

3. God's timing doesn't always line up with my timing. (I'm still in the process of fully understanding this one.)

4. You appreciate gas so much more when you have to buy it yourself. (Road tripping to Tacoma and back, I only refilled twice, Oh yes.)

5. Real friends are hard to come by and I really appreciate the ones I have. (Being back in Spokane made me realize how many ties I really made at school and how few friends I had back home.)

6. I'm still just as lazy as I always was. (My room is still a dreadful disaster, and I can't find any motivation to make it better as I'm leaving in a month again...)

7. Swinging is so therapeutic. (I already knew this one, but my dear friend Nikki helped bring this back to life.)

8. I crush on guys way to easily, and I never do anything past that, and it takes a lot of effort to tell anyone about said crushes, probably because I know nothing is going to come of it. (I'm a control freak, so to maintain in control I can't tell anyone else my dreams or they may actually come true...what can I say? My brain does weird things.)

9. Conflict makes me angry. It makes me tense up. I want to explode, but I tend to respond passive aggressively because I am too afraid to lose friendships, so it is easier to write out my emotions than to tell them to someone's face. (This is one I've been learning and discovering as I go about my days, this will continue to develop I'm sure.)

10. My confidence and strength comes from God alone, He is my only true confidant and I rely on Him for my all. Through His help I can be bold in His name with no fear of man. From His well of life I draw my joy, which gets me through each and every day. (It is God's fault I have energy and am accused of being giddy, but I am okay with that, because that is how He made and blessed me!)

11. The more I draw into myself the more I discover. God has given me so many gifts, and as I continue throughout my life I long to bring Him glory, by my actions, by His grace. (What more can be said?)

Foolishness

Sometimes I wished that I wasn't such a "good" girl. Sometimes I wish we didn't have responsibilities. I wish that I could do whatever whenever without having to worry about living up to a standard. Then I stop. Wait. What am I thinking? I am so blessed to have a conscience...often I disregard it though. Really I am not as good as people might think. I have done things so shocking I am ashamed to post them here. This is the internet after all. Once it is said who knows who might one day be able to access it. I feel like such a hypocrite at times. My sin nature often takes over and leaves me foolish and ashamed. Even though I know in my head everything right and Godly, it is so easy to go against it. My head confounds me. Although I know what I know to do, my mind blatantly disobeys itself. How does that even happen? Why does sin have to be so appealing? Why can't my heart and mind collide on thought and deeds, instead of just staying in the mass of my brain? This world is a hostile threat to my well being. Satan is reaching his spiny fingers toward me, but I will have none of it. Or at least that is what I keep telling myself. His mocking voice in my ear telling me how foolish I am, it doesn't stop. What lies he whispers. What lies. When will I learn to stop listening? My Lord loves me. He has forgiven me. What more do I need? Nothing.

He is Faithful

Why do I crave attention so? There is no point to it, except my own selfish desire of gratification and acceptance. But when affection is demanded, is it true? Of course not. I'm not an idiot. But, boy it sure is great, if you believe it was their idea, that is. I think this is something that is part of our makeup though. We are built and designed to desire accreditation, so when we feel depraved in some way we go out and seek it. Unfortunately that always tends to end poorly. Whenever we try to make everything work on our own it fails. Funny how that works. Why is it then that we never let God take control. We know that we can't do it on our own, but we sure are slow learners. Me being a little bit of a control freak especially struggle with this. So many times I take things into my own hands and they lead me nowhere, and typically leave me in a pile of despair and regret. God's timing is perfect. He has a plan for me. He is faithful. These words are the only thing getting me through this weary life.

Change Welcome Please

While I'm in this weird blogging funk I might as well vent all my thoughts from this past week of being in Spokane again. Gosh, weirdest thing ever being back here. Spokane is the same. Sure people have left, more houses are being built as new families come in, the grass is greener as the rains fall, but still same old, same old. I love this city, really I do...but it isn't really home anymore. Not that it was ever home. I was always ready to leave. But now that I have tasted freedom of this place, boy do I want to get out of here. I know that God has me here again for a reason. I know that this summer will be good. I know all this...blah blah blah. I don't want to be here though. Selfish of me, but the air just isn't right. It leaves me in a mood of unhealthy nostalgia. Of things said and done which are forever locked into my brain for me to dwell upon. Being here brings back so many memories. I see myself falling back into old habits. Places where I have seen change and growth over this first year of college are falling away again. This transition back to your hometown was one that I never was fully prepared for. People always talk about going from high school to college and on, but they forget that unfortunate step in between. Do they just blot it from their memories? Was it just that awful? No. I just think because I was so ready to leave this place, it made it that much harder to come back, and I wasn't ready for that to happen. I know what I should do. To make this easier. To make it more doable. But I find myself lazy. Apathetic. All those sins and lies that have dwelt in my mind, which I tore off in prayer...they haunt me in this place. Only Jesus can draw me back. I need his grace in my failures. In my dreams. In my thoughts. If I can somehow focus on him, I wouldn't have these problems. My lack of motivation, my desire to sit, my desire to feed my slothful nature, all these would be abated. I keep the hope that once I start working everything will be right again. But if I don't mend what is broken now, how will it ever be mended when I am busy? Then my laziness in this place will thrive all the more. I shall use work as a place to run away from it all. I must face these fears. They aren't going anywhere. I need to get up and do something, before this all fades away into nothing. I have been placed here for a reason. I might as well seize my opportunities while I can, and not let these thoughts fade into dust at my feet unused. I sigh...Satan mocks me...I will face this. Jesus will be victorious. Flee Devil, flee sloth, flee impurities, flee gluttony, flee pride of self, flee fears, flee feelings of inadequacy, you are not welcome here! While Spokane may be the same, I am not. So gosh dang it, I will not act the same as I have in this place. Stale as it is, I will stir these winds, and bring a change. Only with God's strength, will this happen. But I know that it will!

Dangerous Daydreams

To daydream is a dangerous occupation. But I find that it is the only desirable thing to do anymore. Daydreams bring a small glimpse of happiness to an otherwise depressing state of boredom. They also tend to make reality that much worse. For that small taste of bliss, they bring a whole lot of pain. Yet I daydream on. Boys, friends, memories, excitement, adventure, danger, all my ideal situations played out in my dear little brain. Yet I would never really want these dreams to become my reality. They always start the same. I am at peace in my life going about my business, something awful happens, someone (normally whoever I currently have a crush on) comes and saves the day. They typically end happily. Or they end terribly. Sometimes that is more exciting, you know. If the hero suddenly falls and breaks his neck, and I am whisked away to a life of terror, slavery, endless pain...somehow there is a romantic justice about it. My sick little mind comes up with the absolute worst situations at times. Perhaps in coming up with such stories, my pathetic little life seems so much more pleasant, certainly much less dramatic. This theory is quite contradictory, considering that just a few moments ago I claimed that my daydreaming creates a far worse reality, but perhaps both are correct. I sometimes daydream wonderful things as well. Instead of slavery to man in pain I end in slavery to love in peace. The hero doesn't fall, he carries me away into the sunset with a passionate kiss. Pathetic romantic that I am. My mind never fails me to entertain when all else does. What a pity it works so well. I find that these thoughts lead me nowhere good. Believe me when I say daydreaming is a dangerous occupation. Although if it paid, I would be filthy rich.

What a year...

So. I have finished my first year of college and have been home for four days. I thought I might post something on here...something of a closure statement since I haven't posted anything in ages. I have found that it is so much easier for me to process my thoughts by hand in a journal. Paper is so much less forgiving, but in that I can put aside my worries of perfectionism. I also find I am much less distracted. But in this instant where facebook again fails me, for I can never allow myself to post a status within three hours of the last, I wanted to vent my thoughts to a computer screen. At that moment I remembered this long lost blog of mine. But yes, as I tend to ramble forgive me, sometimes I must let my mind flow as it wishes it cannot be stopped, it hasn't had this chance in ages and it is just waiting to exploding. So, college was great. It was everything that I had dreamed of and more. Both good and bad occurred, although the bad in the end has mostly turned to the better side of things, even though I still face the repercussions of my decisions. I made some of the most amazing friendships over this year. I studied a lot...I procrastinated more. I found that I have a difficult time keeping myself on track when left to my own devises. Facebook and I have a love/hate relationship. Often I wish I didn't have one, but then couldn't imagine going back to not having one. I grew to know and understand God's love for me in deeper and richer ways than ever. It amazes me that even after I mess up in the worst ways imaginable that He would still welcome me back with open arms. I am still growing in faith, but I know that my God is always faithful, and will give me the strength to carry on. I got my first C in a class, ever. Calculus is definitely not as cool as it once was, even though I am so grateful for the friendships I made out of that class and way too many hours in white board rooms. I went into college thinking a chem major and pre-med...I discovered that I am not quite bent out of the right mindset to tackle such a feat, and along the way decided to major in Psychology, which is definitely a better fit, and I am so excited to see where God will lead me with that! I have learned even more so how distracting and misleading boys can be. I sort of had my first boyfriend, although thankfully God got me out of that relationship when He did, because it was leading no where good. Every day I must remind myself that as soon as I take things into my own hands disaster is just waiting to happen, and God will provide for me in the end, no matter how much I dislike His timing. Overall this was an amazing year, and I could have asked for nothing else. I am sure that I can go on and on...but all in due time.