Change Welcome Please

While I'm in this weird blogging funk I might as well vent all my thoughts from this past week of being in Spokane again. Gosh, weirdest thing ever being back here. Spokane is the same. Sure people have left, more houses are being built as new families come in, the grass is greener as the rains fall, but still same old, same old. I love this city, really I do...but it isn't really home anymore. Not that it was ever home. I was always ready to leave. But now that I have tasted freedom of this place, boy do I want to get out of here. I know that God has me here again for a reason. I know that this summer will be good. I know all this...blah blah blah. I don't want to be here though. Selfish of me, but the air just isn't right. It leaves me in a mood of unhealthy nostalgia. Of things said and done which are forever locked into my brain for me to dwell upon. Being here brings back so many memories. I see myself falling back into old habits. Places where I have seen change and growth over this first year of college are falling away again. This transition back to your hometown was one that I never was fully prepared for. People always talk about going from high school to college and on, but they forget that unfortunate step in between. Do they just blot it from their memories? Was it just that awful? No. I just think because I was so ready to leave this place, it made it that much harder to come back, and I wasn't ready for that to happen. I know what I should do. To make this easier. To make it more doable. But I find myself lazy. Apathetic. All those sins and lies that have dwelt in my mind, which I tore off in prayer...they haunt me in this place. Only Jesus can draw me back. I need his grace in my failures. In my dreams. In my thoughts. If I can somehow focus on him, I wouldn't have these problems. My lack of motivation, my desire to sit, my desire to feed my slothful nature, all these would be abated. I keep the hope that once I start working everything will be right again. But if I don't mend what is broken now, how will it ever be mended when I am busy? Then my laziness in this place will thrive all the more. I shall use work as a place to run away from it all. I must face these fears. They aren't going anywhere. I need to get up and do something, before this all fades away into nothing. I have been placed here for a reason. I might as well seize my opportunities while I can, and not let these thoughts fade into dust at my feet unused. I sigh...Satan mocks me...I will face this. Jesus will be victorious. Flee Devil, flee sloth, flee impurities, flee gluttony, flee pride of self, flee fears, flee feelings of inadequacy, you are not welcome here! While Spokane may be the same, I am not. So gosh dang it, I will not act the same as I have in this place. Stale as it is, I will stir these winds, and bring a change. Only with God's strength, will this happen. But I know that it will!