Enough

I’ve been home over six months now. How has that happened? While I am getting used to life here and it’s more comfortable than six months ago, my heart still goes in waves of pain and regret that I don’t know how to process or deal with.

There has been so much change and transition over the last year that I keep moving forward not knowing what else to do, but hardly able to think clearly enough to know if the steps I’m taking are actually the right ones or not.

A year ago, I was still single, living in Latvia, honestly thinking about renewing my commitment to stay another year, but not exactly sure what was next. I went home in June and decided at that point that I would go home at the end of the year rather than stay. In July, I met Nehemiah while he was in Latvia, we decided to start dating, and then began my countdown till I was going home. Through the end of the summer and beginning of fall I had to make a lot of difficult decisions, continually trying to discern what God wanted for me while wrestling with the many heartaches I carried. It was decided that I would go home November 11th. So I went through the routines of my life, working at the café, going to meetings, going to the center every other week, leading worship at church, spending time with friends, going on many walks in beautiful Riga, volunteering weekly at the day center, seeing a counselor, trying to process and heal so I could move on from that season in a healthy place. I went to Ireland at the end of October at this point so tired and ready to be done with everything. The two week course was good, I think, but I was dealing with so much at that point, I hardly remember it. Then I had two weeks left in Riga. I was ready to go home but heartbroken to be leaving. Saying goodbye to so many people and places that I loved so dearly. And then I was home. Then engaged. Then moved into Nehemiah’s apartment in Snoqualmie. Then married. Then trying to plan a ceremony for February. Then nannying and working a few days a week. Then married again. Then working for Color Me Mine. Then applying for grad school. Then accepted. Then promoted to manager. And now here I am. It’s too much all at once. Even writing it all out reminds me that I don’t even know what has happened over the last six months except in these broad strokes. I can tell you all about the last two weeks in Riga in detail, but the last month, I have no idea really. It’s such a blur. And not really in a good way.

Weeks go by where I don’t see anyone besides Nehemiah or people at work. I’m not doing anything that really gives me purpose or life. I don’t play guitar anymore. I haven’t written anything since December. I do go on walks sometimes, but I get tired of this little city with nowhere to go. I long for community and meaningful work, I long for fellowship and connection, I long to hear God’s voice again and to praise him with songs and prayer. But somehow, I find that I don’t know how to create any of this by myself. I’ve lived in Christian communities for so long now that I don’t know how to foster a relationship with God by myself. I know he’s still here and still guiding me, but he’s been quiet, and I’ve been quiet. I just don’t know how to be anything else. I barely have the energy to wake up and go to work and spend time with Nehemiah, and yet I long for so much more, but don’t know how to get there. And I don’t know how to have grace for myself in this all. I’ve done so much in my short life that slowing down and having a more normal life just doesn’t make sense to me.

So this is where I’m at right now. Still very much in transition. Still exhausted most days. Still longing for more. But I keep waking up. I keep making baby steps forward. And for now, I have to trust and believe that is enough.