I've always been a perfectionist, pouring hours into the tiniest details so that everything will be just right, and still not being satisfied with the final product. Thankfully, a lot of the worst of this habit was stemmed in college, when suddenly perfectionism wasn't really an option anymore and God started working a lot in my heart in this area. But sometimes it still decides to rears its ugly head, lately it has been in my desire to control my ever changing circumstances, and failing miserably.
Over the last three weeks my life has been flipped upside down on a seemingly rotating basis, with absolutely nothing ordinary or predictable, and so my stress levels and desire to control my circumstances have peaked at an outrageous rate. Yet God is telling me to let it all go.
A little less than three weeks ago our first girl who was at the center decided to leave. I was devastated. Six weeks of pouring my heart and soul into this girl who was just starting to open up to us, before deciding that she just couldn't stay, couldn't face her fears, couldn't face her past, and just kept running. So we had to let her go. We had to trust that God had her in his hands, and we played our part for those six weeks, but then had to let her choose to leave.
That very same day, another girl came to the center. And I had to cautiously allow my heart to open up to her, even as my heart grieved the loss of the first. With this second girl another layer of challenge was introduced, as she did not speak any English, where our first girl did. I have definitely learned some Latvian over the last six and a half months, but not really enough to effectively communicate with her. So I had to let go of language. It's truly amazing how much you can communicate without language, but at the same time you can only do so much. As I tried to introduce her to life at the center, so much was lost, and our perfect structure and order (that really isn't that perfect), just had to be let go.
Then the next week was constant adjustment as we had an American team here, one of the main staff at the center left for America for a month, we had two new interns arrive, and suddenly I was put in charge of life at the center. Throughout this week God was constantly challenging me to give it all to him, to trust him, to let him be in control, to let it all go. And man I fought it. Trying to keep my head above water was hard enough, let alone relinquishing it all to God, and letting him carry my burdens. Somehow that was just too challenging.
Then a week ago today, our second girl also decided to leave. My heart still hurts to think about it. But I know writing these words will help bring healing to my soul. We had to let her go. And maybe she'll come back, maybe she won't, either way I can't control it. We might have another girl move in this week, maybe next week, maybe not for another month and a half. another thing I can't control. And when girls move in, when the center is really fully functioning again, there will be countless things that I can't control.
The wind blows, the rain falls, seasons come and go, and God sees it all, and I must trust that he sees this little corner of Latvia too. He is the one ultimately in control, I am just along for the adventure he places in front of me planting seeds along the way, and I have to learn to be okay with that.
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