My Random Ramblings

Today was a ridiculously draining day. I woke up at 10:30 then after wasting my time for awhile I started reading my soc book. It took me two hours to read about 30 pages, and I am a fairly quick reader. The subject of this book is dealing with racial and gender abuse among African American girls, so this is not a light topic. Because it took me so long to read I didn’t get done with half the things I wanted to do. Then I sat through two hours of Calculus; then went to Soc for another two hours. After class I was torn, the bible study that I am really interested in was meeting for the first time, but there was this video that was being shown that if I went to it and stayed for the discussion I would get two research credits, so I ended up deciding to go to the video. Now all that I knew about this video beforehand was that it was about a women who had gone to jail for killing her husband, and was released sometime recently and was there to share about it with us after the movie. I also knew that it was a tear jerker, especially for those who had or knew somebody who had, gone through physical abuse in a relationship; so I was thinking, dang I know people who have gone through that crap; I bet that this is going to make me cry. The movie started with showing pictures of woman with bloodied faces and bruised skin and battered bodies and hopeless looking circumstances. Things like this just make my blood broil, it makes me angry that any woman should be battered and bruised. That some guy would go so low as to beat a helpless woman. I mean really, that must be the lowest thing that any guy could do, men are supposed to stand up for girls and protect them and care for them, but that someone could take out their anger by beating someone that they once said that they loved, it is simply awful! The thing that really got me about this movie though was the women and the things that they have gone through. Based out of the California Retention Center for Women, this film captured some of their stories. A group who called themselves the Committed Women Against Abuse (or CWAA) was a group of about 40 who had been incarcerated for killing their husbands because they had been abused. These women have gone through so much heartache and pain, it is simply unimaginable. That they would be led to killing their husbands, because it was that bad, it is so sad that they would have to resort to something that drastic. You would think that they would want to try to leave the relationship, but everyone shared why they tried to leave, but couldn’t. They would think that they could change them, or that it would get better, or they would remember the good times and hold onto that image of them. Or they were threatened. Or their children would be threatened. That was the worst part about this movie, as soon as a child was involved. There was a recording of a 911 call, about 2 minutes of hearing this little girl crying and screaming into the phone and then it getting brutally cut short, because you can tell that the parent stole the phone from the child’s hand. And this poor woman who gave her three year old son up for adoption because she didn’t want his life to be ruined because of hers, and she was told a few years later that he had been killed. That must be a mother’s worst nightmare, to be told that your child was killed, and you are stuck in jail, living with the fact that your son never really knew you, and died without being told that that he really was loved and that you were trying to do the best for him. I started to cry when I heard this, and the pictures of this darling boy flashed across the screen. I could not imagine being in that woman’s shoes. Their lives literally were hell. And many of these women had been imprisoned for over 20 years, which seems so unjust. Yes, they killed their husbands, but you must look at the circumstances that were surrounding this fact. Their situation got to the point where they could not deal with it, and without thinking they ran their car into him, hit him over the head with a bottle, shot him, whatever they could use, and then they are sentenced for life without even the consideration of what drove them to that point. Thankfully now, there are resources for women in this circumstance, but 20 to 30 years ago there was nowhere that they could go. Many are appealing to try to get out, but most cannot for various reasons. Our judicial system frustrates me on so many levels. Just because an expert was used in the case 20 years ago, they cannot be used again, and they are stuck in jail for life. One woman did appeal though, and was released, and do you remember the woman who’s son was killed? That was her. And she received a letter from her son, who was very much alive, and has two kids of his own. She was there at my school and talked to us after the movie, what an amazing woman. She was so passionate and her story was so powerful, and it got me to thinking. One of the things that first drew me to psychiatry was reading a story similar to this, and I would love it if somehow I could use my degree to help women like this. Our judicial system is so flawed, especially in the way that it deals with psychiatric patrons. Films like this get me so passionate about wanting to work with these kinds of people. Even just to be there and figure out what made them do what they did and work to prevent this from occurring, and give women a place to go who have been abused so they wouldn’t have to get to that point of wanting to kill someone. This then got me thinking about Russia. I met so many girls that had been abused in some form or another, and in their culture that was normal. Male dominance is much more prevalent in Russia then America, and while I do not know everything about this, I do know that in male dominant cultures women tend to be abused more, because they are viewed more as property and less like an individual. My heart yearns for these precious girls, it was obvious from the little bit of time that I knew them that they just needed somebody to love them. They were all craving that male attention, thinking that that would solve their problems, but that is how they get into those abusive relationships, because they just go for whatever they can get without realizing the consequences. I want to go back to Russia so badly. I want to know if those girls remember what we shared with them, that Jesus is the answer. I wish there could be some sort of follow up, some sort of way that we could find them all and ask them if they still read their Bibles every night. It breaks my heart to know that our words might already be forgotten, I pray to God that somehow the word sticks in their hearts and they seek out a church, and I pray that there are churches when they do look for them. Sometimes it makes me want to be a long term missionary just so I could actually be a part of their lives longer than the two weeks that I had. I can’t even believe that I am saying this; maybe that is what God is preparing me to do. Imagine what I could do if God chose to send me back to Russia when I have my doctorate. That would be so intense, but just imagine the possibilities; it makes me excited just thinking about it. I just wish that I could speak Russian, then the possibilities would be practically boundless. I will just have to see though where God will take me, and I will follow where he leads.