Dreaming

If anybody knows me they know that I do not remember my dreams. So when on the rare occasion that I do, I tend to pay them great attention. Last night I dreamed and I feel like my wispy thoughts need to be put in words. In the first part of my dream I came back to school after break and met up with with Spencer. We hung out for a long time then he left. Then in my dream I remember thinking it was weird that we didn't hug because we hadn't seen each other in such a long time. Later we were talking and he told me that we could never be together, and that he had warned me of this, and I was upset at him. Then the dream shifted and I was at some sort of camp. There were a bunch of us in a room and it was dark and everyone was talking, then I was in another room, it was like a gym I think, and there were a bunch of guys and sleeping bags in the room, and I was talking to someone, but I don't remember who it was or what we were talking about, just that I knew him somehow. Then with the same group of people we were at the edge of this huge canyon with a board that spanned it. Then we were all challenged to try to go as far as a red line on the board and that we would be paid some large amount of money if we could do it without falling. Then the person challenging us demonstrated but he was flipping and doing tricks and he reached the line, then on the way back he fell and we saw him splash in the river below. Later I tried and I made it out to the line, but I had help and I was barefoot so it didn't count. The dream shifted again and I was following two girls and we were running back to where we were meeting. I was falling behind, but they did not wait for me. We finally made it back and I had completely lost the two girls by that point. I was standing at the top of a huge outdoor amphitheater and was trying to make my way down, but the only way to get down to where I was trying to go was to weave through everyone else. Everyone but me only spoke Russian, so I remember saying over and over, esvenechi, esvenechi, esvenechi, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me...then I eventually made my way to the front of the amphitheater and found some people that I knew. Then my little brother came into my room waking me up, and that was the end of my dreaming. Super weird dreams though, I wish I had some insight into what they could mean...

Irony

I hate when I get like this. I hate how the only time I want to blog is when I'm feeling depressed. I hate how complicated my life is. I hate how easily my heart is attached. I hate facebook. I hate how I over analyze everything. I hate that I over think everything. I hate that I blow everything up and make a big deal out of nothing. I hate how much I complain. I hate being stressed. I hate how lazy I am. I hate that I have no self-discipline. I hate that I always want to be in control of everything. I hate not being able to understand myself. I hate not being able to understand you. I hate how tired I always am. I hate that I can never put my thoughts into words. I hate how easily frustrated I am. I hate that I am so indecisive. I hate that I cannot accept reality. I hate that must always question everything. I hate that I hate so much. I hate that everything always works out. I hate that I want to cry. I hate that I am so ridiculously pitiful. I hate that I am depressing myself more by listing all the things I hate. I hate that anyone who might read this is going to be concerned, even though they shouldn't be. I hate how ironic life is, because everything that I hate, I would never want to change and I am so immensely grateful for everything that has shaped me into who I am. I hate how everything that I hate, I love.

Ignite Retreat and My Conflicting Thoughts

So much has happened since I last posted something. I feel like my life has completely changed since those few short weeks ago. I have never been so confused, so tired, so alive, so joyful, so overwhelmed, so scared, so peaceful, so amazed for the longest of times. To explain what I’ve been through within the confines of this little text is simply impossible, because so much has happened. I feel like God has picked me up from my safe comfortable shell, shaken me till I couldn’t function, then set me down, wobbling and terrified but holding my hand tight. At the moment all that I can do is hold that hand and know that He won’t let go. I have become so aware over these past few days and weeks of the power of our God, He works in the craziest ways ever. It honestly scares me the stories that I’ve heard. This last weekend I went on the Ignite retreat and the theme was "encounter" and the speaker was talking a lot about demons and intense miracles, and I feel like since I was little I’ve been taught that that stuff doesn't really happen anymore. So it was so weird hearing it as if they are everyday occurrences. Then tonight at my Bible Study we talked about it some more and my leaders encouraged us to repent of our fears and to trust God in this area, and this seemed like such a weird concept, while it also makes sense. Fear is meant to be a healthy emotion though; there are times when we should legitimately be scared. To be told that we should not be scared of the spiritual warfare surrounding us…it seems unrealistic, and the thought that it would be “cool” to witness someone casting a demon out of a friend…um, not cool. I know that I am being a skeptic, like I always am, but something about that does not sit right with me. I know that over and over in the Bible it tells us to not be afraid and that Jesus is with us, even to the ends of the earth, but while I know, and was reminded of tonight, that God will equip us with what we need and will always guide us and is bigger and stronger than anything out there, the thought that there are demons out there that are doing whatever they can to try and make us stumble absolutely terrifies me. I am still trying to work out my thoughts, with much prayer and thought. At least I know that the fact that I am thinking is a good thing, we are told to work out our salvation, and I am making sure that I know what I believe and why I believe it. My God is still good, of that fact I am still sure of, and I am so grateful for His loving kindness and grace in dealing with a silly girl like me.

I would like to add though that the retreat was simply amazing. I put it in an awful light here, but it made me think so much and I have never felt so alive and refreshed in the Spirit before. I truly encountered God in that place. Also I truly appreciate how the Ignite ministry addresses certain topics; the realm of Spiritual gifts especially. They point everything back to the scripture and do not elevate a single gift above another, and it is very encouraging to see that there is a basis of everything that they believe from the Bible. Being based out of a foursquare church the worship style is so different from what I am used to. I love it. Everyone is so free and alive and not ashamed to truly worship God. It was so freeing and refreshing to worship God in such an atmosphere. The bonds that I made on this retreat will hopefully last a lifetime; I love every single person that I got to know better and met for the first time. I also got to witness a beautiful girl accept Christ into her heart, it was amazing seeing how God worked in her heart and her life; to hear her testimony later on was simply amazing. I know that God is working in my life as well; I am becoming more aware every day of how good he is to me. He is simply amazing and I am so undeserving of his sacrifice, I am so privileged to be able to say that I am his daughter and that I am loved.

So Much Work, So Little Time

Lately I have been overwhelmed by so much. Everything in my life from just a short time ago has been abruptly turned upside down into what I now know. Even though I have now been an official college student for 3 weeks, it feels like a lifetime. I am no longer one of those awkward girls meandering along those high school hallways, I am now an independent college girl, its a weird concept. I am still learning how to manage my time though. There are so many things that I have the opportunity to do, but I have to sift through my schedule and decide what I have time for and what I don't. I have a feeling that my chemistry class is going to take up a lot of this allotted time. Along with class three days a week, we have a lab each week that takes a good 6 to 8 hours to do with the pre-lab, in lab, and summaries and lab reports. We also have regular assignments that take up time as well as our first test coming up next week, it is so time consuming! Calculus and Sociology aren't just a stroll in the park either, it is going to be a very busy semester, I think. On top of all this, I really need to get a job. I have work study money, but unless I get a job that money will have to come from somewhere else, I just don't know what I am going to do on that end. If anyone actually reads this, you can pray that I learn to manage all these new responsibilities and still have time for sleep and play! I would like to add right now, that I have AMAZING friends. I have met so many people that are both encouraging and spectacularly awesome, and its all been so grand. For now though, I need to get to sleep, I have chem tomorrow at 8 am!

My Random Ramblings

Today was a ridiculously draining day. I woke up at 10:30 then after wasting my time for awhile I started reading my soc book. It took me two hours to read about 30 pages, and I am a fairly quick reader. The subject of this book is dealing with racial and gender abuse among African American girls, so this is not a light topic. Because it took me so long to read I didn’t get done with half the things I wanted to do. Then I sat through two hours of Calculus; then went to Soc for another two hours. After class I was torn, the bible study that I am really interested in was meeting for the first time, but there was this video that was being shown that if I went to it and stayed for the discussion I would get two research credits, so I ended up deciding to go to the video. Now all that I knew about this video beforehand was that it was about a women who had gone to jail for killing her husband, and was released sometime recently and was there to share about it with us after the movie. I also knew that it was a tear jerker, especially for those who had or knew somebody who had, gone through physical abuse in a relationship; so I was thinking, dang I know people who have gone through that crap; I bet that this is going to make me cry. The movie started with showing pictures of woman with bloodied faces and bruised skin and battered bodies and hopeless looking circumstances. Things like this just make my blood broil, it makes me angry that any woman should be battered and bruised. That some guy would go so low as to beat a helpless woman. I mean really, that must be the lowest thing that any guy could do, men are supposed to stand up for girls and protect them and care for them, but that someone could take out their anger by beating someone that they once said that they loved, it is simply awful! The thing that really got me about this movie though was the women and the things that they have gone through. Based out of the California Retention Center for Women, this film captured some of their stories. A group who called themselves the Committed Women Against Abuse (or CWAA) was a group of about 40 who had been incarcerated for killing their husbands because they had been abused. These women have gone through so much heartache and pain, it is simply unimaginable. That they would be led to killing their husbands, because it was that bad, it is so sad that they would have to resort to something that drastic. You would think that they would want to try to leave the relationship, but everyone shared why they tried to leave, but couldn’t. They would think that they could change them, or that it would get better, or they would remember the good times and hold onto that image of them. Or they were threatened. Or their children would be threatened. That was the worst part about this movie, as soon as a child was involved. There was a recording of a 911 call, about 2 minutes of hearing this little girl crying and screaming into the phone and then it getting brutally cut short, because you can tell that the parent stole the phone from the child’s hand. And this poor woman who gave her three year old son up for adoption because she didn’t want his life to be ruined because of hers, and she was told a few years later that he had been killed. That must be a mother’s worst nightmare, to be told that your child was killed, and you are stuck in jail, living with the fact that your son never really knew you, and died without being told that that he really was loved and that you were trying to do the best for him. I started to cry when I heard this, and the pictures of this darling boy flashed across the screen. I could not imagine being in that woman’s shoes. Their lives literally were hell. And many of these women had been imprisoned for over 20 years, which seems so unjust. Yes, they killed their husbands, but you must look at the circumstances that were surrounding this fact. Their situation got to the point where they could not deal with it, and without thinking they ran their car into him, hit him over the head with a bottle, shot him, whatever they could use, and then they are sentenced for life without even the consideration of what drove them to that point. Thankfully now, there are resources for women in this circumstance, but 20 to 30 years ago there was nowhere that they could go. Many are appealing to try to get out, but most cannot for various reasons. Our judicial system frustrates me on so many levels. Just because an expert was used in the case 20 years ago, they cannot be used again, and they are stuck in jail for life. One woman did appeal though, and was released, and do you remember the woman who’s son was killed? That was her. And she received a letter from her son, who was very much alive, and has two kids of his own. She was there at my school and talked to us after the movie, what an amazing woman. She was so passionate and her story was so powerful, and it got me to thinking. One of the things that first drew me to psychiatry was reading a story similar to this, and I would love it if somehow I could use my degree to help women like this. Our judicial system is so flawed, especially in the way that it deals with psychiatric patrons. Films like this get me so passionate about wanting to work with these kinds of people. Even just to be there and figure out what made them do what they did and work to prevent this from occurring, and give women a place to go who have been abused so they wouldn’t have to get to that point of wanting to kill someone. This then got me thinking about Russia. I met so many girls that had been abused in some form or another, and in their culture that was normal. Male dominance is much more prevalent in Russia then America, and while I do not know everything about this, I do know that in male dominant cultures women tend to be abused more, because they are viewed more as property and less like an individual. My heart yearns for these precious girls, it was obvious from the little bit of time that I knew them that they just needed somebody to love them. They were all craving that male attention, thinking that that would solve their problems, but that is how they get into those abusive relationships, because they just go for whatever they can get without realizing the consequences. I want to go back to Russia so badly. I want to know if those girls remember what we shared with them, that Jesus is the answer. I wish there could be some sort of follow up, some sort of way that we could find them all and ask them if they still read their Bibles every night. It breaks my heart to know that our words might already be forgotten, I pray to God that somehow the word sticks in their hearts and they seek out a church, and I pray that there are churches when they do look for them. Sometimes it makes me want to be a long term missionary just so I could actually be a part of their lives longer than the two weeks that I had. I can’t even believe that I am saying this; maybe that is what God is preparing me to do. Imagine what I could do if God chose to send me back to Russia when I have my doctorate. That would be so intense, but just imagine the possibilities; it makes me excited just thinking about it. I just wish that I could speak Russian, then the possibilities would be practically boundless. I will just have to see though where God will take me, and I will follow where he leads.

Answered Prayer

Before coming to PLU I had this small fear in the back of my mind that I would become one of those statistics of good christian kids who fell away during college. Now I knew in my head and my heart that I wouldn't let that happen, but the fear still sat in the back of my thoughts. I thought that I wouldn't meet any Christians and that I would never find a good church. Looking back though, this was probably one of those healthy fears. By letting myself think this, it took me to prayer, and I earnestly prayed that the opposite would happen. And of course God delivered. From the very beginning, before I even moved, I had a friend who had invited me to come to her church and look into a Bible Study that she was leading. So I already had that small connection in place. Then within a few days of moving in, I discovered that there were a good portion of the girls in my wing who were in the same boat as me. They were Christians who were looking for Christian friends and a good ministry and church to get involved in, it must have been God who placed us all in that wing together! Now every Tuesday night, there is an on campus ministry called Ignite. They are sponsored and based out of one of the local churches, Puget Sound Christian Center, a foursquare church. A bunch of us were curious and decided to check it out. We were greeted by smiling faces and found some seats near the back, because it was so full. I loved it all. The worship was real and genuine and I felt truly encouraged by what was shared. Last night I went a second time and loved it just as much as before. They had a special speaker that was one of the people who helped start the International House Of Prayer (or IHOP) in Kansas City, and he has started another house of prayer in Federal Way, a region near Tacoma. His message was so encouraging, and left me with no doubt that Ignite was truly a ministry of God. Along with that, I am joining one of the small groups, the first meeting is Thursday night. I also visited the PSCC church, while it was a bit more Pentecostal that I was used to, I really liked it and felt a connection with it. I have heard many negative things about foursquare churches, but after one visit, I didn't notice many of the things that I have previously heard, but we shall see how that goes. Overall though, I have been blessed many times over by the friendships that I have made and how many opportunities that I have around campus. I know that God's hand is in my life and that he will guide me in the right direction on this campus!

Orientation

Today was my first day of actual classes. I am glad that we are finally getting into a routine schedule. The past few days have been a mad rush of different activities and seminars preparing us for our first year in college. I have met so many people and have already made some great friends. Orientation was so much fun. From Thursday till Monday we were given a jam packed schedule of crazy events. From the beginning they told us that we should try to take advantage of every opportunity that we had, because we would appreciate it in the end, and I followed that advice as best I could, and already am grateful that I did everything. Now as crazy as it seems, class has started. I am actually a college student, somehow my mind does not want to wrap itself around this concept; just a short period ago college seemed like a far off foreign concept, yet here I am, right in the midst of it. This may be a crazy ride, but I am ready for it!

Some highlights of orientation:

• Meeting and hanging out with my JAM group

• Lutes Follies (basically this was college life explained through song and dance: hilarious!)

• Lutes at Play (a bunch of freshman running around playing some awesome get to know you games, was tons of fun)

• Block Party (an awesome band, played some awesome music, and we partied it up!)

• SOUND OFF! (each hall prepared some songs and we all got together and had a crazy hall completion. I still have all the songs randomly stuck in my head!)

• On the Road Trip (I went into Seattle and visited the International District and had some really good Japanese food)

Overall orientation was tons of fun and I met so many awesome people and I am so excited for this school year!