I hate the ambiguity of this question, it's so open ended, and requires so much dreaming and vulnerability and leaps of faith. In some ways it's the ultimate question that leads to letting go of control and perfection, and embracing the crazy roller coaster of my emotions and feelings. It's doing what I want. It's following my heart desires. It's letting go of other people's expectations and just following those things God has placed on my heart to do. Which I'm not exactly sure why, but it's a terrifying thought.
Over the last month and a half, especially, God has been slowly opening my heart up again. And what incredible timing he has.
I was able to go home for my brother's wedding at the end of June, which was such a good thing. And it was while I was there I really decided I wanted to come home after my two year commitment with Freedom61, and get my master's in mental health counseling. Meaning when I returned to Latvia, it would only be for six months, and I was so relieved at this thought. Don't get me wrong, I am so glad for this opportunity to be here, to learn and grow, and experience the world through a new perspective. I would not trade these years here for anything, but I can tell that this isn't what I want to do with my life forever and am ready for something new.
After returning to Latvia a month ago I quickly slid back into life here. But things were starting to shift in my heart and mind and circumstances. I was constantly wrestling with myself about what these six months would be. I could either turn off all my feelings and emotions and push through my time here and deal with the consequences of numbing to such a degree later. Or I could choose to be vulnerable and open with myself and my team, find reasons to be grateful and joyful, and make the most of this time with open hands to what God has for me.
So what did I want? If I could do anything with my current situation, what would I want to do? Just leave and go home? Push through? Find joy in the midst of challenges? To be honest, a big part of me didn't want to be here and didn't want to feel anything. But even more so, I wanted to take a hold of my life again and reclaim the promises that God had set before me years ago. I wanted to believe that I am enough, that I am worthy of being loved and taken care of, and that people are trying their best. I wanted to believe these things and work through the mess that was in the way of my disbelief.
Thankfully this second desire won out. For even as I wrestled and started to open my palms to God again, to believe in his goodness and love for me, the most incredible gift walked into my life that I never could have imagined.
To give the short story, because the long version would have to be a separate blog post entirely, I met a boy, who through extraordinary circumstances decided to come to Latvia to do some video work for Freedom61. And over the last two weeks we have decided to start dating, even though he is now back in the States again. But I am more than grateful that he is suddenly in my life, no matter how fast it may seem.
Truly, I don't think it's a coincidence that even as my heart was becoming open to God's love and care again, and even as I allowed myself the option of being vulnerable and feeling happy again, that this young man became a part of my life. I am amazed at God's good gifts and incredible timing and can't wait to see how this will all continue to develop.
I suppose I could say that I'm glad I went with the option to feel.
