That moment at a team meeting where we are encouraged to pray and think about our dreams and write them down, and all I can do is cry, clearly something wasn't quite right.
After that afternoon a few weeks ago, I have been on a whirlwind of emotions processing so many things from my two months here in Riga, to the last few years, to earlier. Thinking about how I used to plan out my life with excitement and determination. How I used to be known for my joy and smile. How I used to have so much life and energy. But on the flipside, how I used to be constantly afraid of what other's thought, constantly hiding behind a wall of anxiety and worry. How I used to be bombarded with the lies of perfectionism and the pride of accomplishments. How I used to never speak out my thoughts or opinions because of fear of rejection. How much I've grown, and how much I still need to grow.
Also, looking back at the season of depression my senior year of college, and how much that robbed me off my life and health. But also seeing how much fruit came out of it. So much stronger in my weakness, with such deep roots and understanding of God's ever present love and faithfulness. But I think that season taught me to stop dreaming. By God's grace I continually kept taking steps forward, even being dragged along with my face in the dirt for awhile, but forward motion nonetheless. But even though I was moving forward, and am even still taking those steps forward, I haven't dared to let myself look up beyond where I need to place my foot next.
Looking up takes a certain courage. It requires you to let go of control. You can see forward, but in order to keep moving you might not be able to see what is directly under your feet. To dream then is to relinquish that control. To say, yes I want that, even if it may never come to be. It's terrifying! But also so freeing. To let go, to imagine a better place, to let God take you by the hand and lead you forward with his best in mind, as your heart and desires continually become more like his.
Growth, healing, life, joy, energy, hope, peace, lasting relationships. These things I so long for. Dare I begin to dream that they might possibly come to be? Only by God's grace.
Letting go, looking up, stepping forward, going onward, one step at a time.
Also, looking back at the season of depression my senior year of college, and how much that robbed me off my life and health. But also seeing how much fruit came out of it. So much stronger in my weakness, with such deep roots and understanding of God's ever present love and faithfulness. But I think that season taught me to stop dreaming. By God's grace I continually kept taking steps forward, even being dragged along with my face in the dirt for awhile, but forward motion nonetheless. But even though I was moving forward, and am even still taking those steps forward, I haven't dared to let myself look up beyond where I need to place my foot next.
Looking up takes a certain courage. It requires you to let go of control. You can see forward, but in order to keep moving you might not be able to see what is directly under your feet. To dream then is to relinquish that control. To say, yes I want that, even if it may never come to be. It's terrifying! But also so freeing. To let go, to imagine a better place, to let God take you by the hand and lead you forward with his best in mind, as your heart and desires continually become more like his.
Growth, healing, life, joy, energy, hope, peace, lasting relationships. These things I so long for. Dare I begin to dream that they might possibly come to be? Only by God's grace.
Letting go, looking up, stepping forward, going onward, one step at a time.
