Here's To A New Year

So its almost 2014. Normally I don't like doing these kinds of posts, but I've been feeling nostalgic and so much has happened in the last year, so it seemed appropriate.

So what happened...

Some big things like graduating from college and doing a DTS. My nephew was born, and won my heart forever.

Some less big things like falling in love with the movie Moonrise Kingdom, running my first 5k while getting color thrown on me, pass/failing my first class my last semester of college, learning how to cook for 30 people at a time, surviving my first tornado warning, going to a movie at a drive in theater for the first time, realizing Lake Superior does indeed look like the ocean while backpacking in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, going to Mexico for outreach on a blue school bus, cutting my bangs again.

My heart went through a lot of strain this year though, with so many comings and goings. It is a painful thing moving so often, so drastically, meeting and saying goodbye to so many people so quickly. Graduating, moving back to Spokane from Tacoma, moving to Madison for DTS, going to Juarez for a month, Creel for a month, back to Madison, back to Spokane, to DC to meet my nephew, back to Spokane again for who knows how long. It is a challenge every day to keep my heart open to the people around me, to not grow calloused and hard, to allow room for attachments to grow.

This year was hard in other ways as well. Thankfully good things happened, or I don't think I would ever want to remember this year at all. God has slowly been knitting my heart back in place, but it has been a slow and painful process. Maybe in a year again from now I will be willing to speak openly about it all, but for now I am just praying that as I heal the scars won't be too jagged.

I am so incredibly grateful for each and every person that walked with me in love this last year, I couldn't have made it through without you all. No matter how painful relationships can be, the joys are worth the possible hurts.

So here's to a new year. A year filled with hope, with joy, with peace, with love, with tears. Really the only resolution I want to make is that I will walk with God through this year, seeking Him through each and every step along the way.

A Quite Late Update

Well lots has happened since I posted last. Ever since getting back to Mexico and finishing up my DTS and heading back to Spokane I have meant to write an update on here, but somehow never got around to it.

Last time I posted we were on our way back to Juarez from Creel...we spent a few days in Juarez, then spent a week on the Oklahoma/Arkansas border at a conference, then a week in Madison debriefing, then home to Spokane. Now almost 6 weeks later...

One of the persistent questions I have received since being back in Spokane is what I learned. The, "If there is one overarching lesson, what was it?" sort of question. After the typical, "how was your trip?" question. At first I didn't know how to answer this question, let alone even process what it might mean. Overarching lesson? Five months of my life being inundated with new ideas and thoughts about myself and God almost nonstop...all boiled down to one lesson? So after promptly avoiding even thinking about such lessons for a week or so my brain started slowly churning again.

I came up with an answer quickly enough, but somehow it didn't seem to really encapsulate the things I learned. The answer I grew accustomed to giving was something like learning to rely on God for my strength. While this is truly a lesson I learned and had to practice often, in some ways it barely scratches the surface of this five month process.

I had to be broken down, more broken than I already was, then find God in that brokenness. I tried to go to people to find my strength, but they failed me again and again. I tried to hide, run away, disappear, but those options only lasted so long before I was forced out of my shell again. Due to the nature of the DTS, all the methods I used to use to run away were not available to me, so I retreated to a deeper level. Always present, but rarely available. Hardly trusting, always skeptical, on edge, defensive towards anyone who made assumptions about how they might help me, cynical of motivations, dead inside.

Then we went on outreach. All my walls were challenged yet again. This time I had even less options, the first place I should have turned long ago was really the only place I could turn. Not saying I didn't go to God before, it was just never enough. I never let God be enough in my heart. I often looked to God as more of a security blanket than my life. I would use my relationship with God as a means to other friendships, as a means to understanding the world and my place in it, as a means to ensure salvation. Never did I seek a relationship with God just because I loved him and knew that he loved me. And honestly I don't even know if I am there yet.

Lately I've been struggling still. Struggling with relationships, struggling with decisions, struggling with commitment...and where has God been? Surely right beside me, but I do a short quiet time before going to bed and call that sufficient, and live ruled by anxiety and fear. Its a horrible thing to know how to fix my problems, yet somehow unable to do so.

So I guess I did learn a lot during my DTS, even though I still hardly know how to articulate those lessons, let alone apply them. But here are some of my thoughts at least. I am sure this process will not end for awhile.

Digging Holes, They Say It Builds Character

We have been in Creel three and a half weeks, Mexico six and a half weeks, with just a few days till we are back in the states. Outreach is starting to draw to a close. At the moment with my exhaustion from the past few weeks I am really looking forward to home. It will be good for this adventure to end. But it is odd thinking about the next transition ahead and all the uncertainty that comes with it.

We are traveling again. Back on a bus, headed to Juarez. Our ministry in Creel complete. We have wandered beyond the pine trees now, back in the desert.

These few weeks in Creel have been interesting. The main projects we have been working on at the YWAM base is digging holes for the foundation of an aquaponic system, moving storage items, sorting donated clothes, mixing and laying concrete, and doing kid programs at a few of the Tarahumaran villages near Creel.

Thinking back over our time in Creel something that stood out was the hospitality of the base and villages we visited. To be told before Creel that the Tarahumarans are very reserved people, cut off from outsiders, I was not expecting the openness we received. Even on the YWAM base I was a little surprised by the friendliness and hospitality given to us. Coming from Juarez where most of what we received was distrust and strict rules it was refreshing having freedom and reasonable expectations from the Creel staff. Everything from the walls creating the compound in Juarez to the open fields and cliffs in Creel.

We visited two villages near Creel, Santa Elias and Pitorreal, and did VBS with the children who lived there. Due to the culture being story oriented, we chose to tell our lessons through skits, it also made it easier with translation. Watching the kids and moms open up and laugh as they watched us was one of the little things that made it all worth it. We would play games, color pictures, and build relationships. Every day when we came back they would be sitting waiting for us to arrive.

It was all a testimony to the relationships that the staff in Creel have established. Twenty years of hard work and we had the opportunity to come in and be a part of it. For us to be able to work with the villages, help build the beginnings of the aquaponics system, work on other various projects throughout the base, we were able to see many parts of a fruitful ministry and bless the staff working there.

While in Creel we also had many opportunities to enjoy God’s creation. We were able to visit the Copper Canyon, hike to some hot springs, ride horses near the base, and many other wonderful things. We had the misfortune of dealing with bedbugs, and other small discomforts, but it was all a good experience, although exhausting at times.

It shall be interesting indeed heading back to the states so soon. Just two more weeks till home. 

Lessons In Flexibility

After a long overnight bus ride we arrived in Creel last Monday, it is absolutely beautiful here. Hills covered in pine trees, giant rocks perfect for climbing, horses grazing in meadows of corn and flowers, streams running through the countryside. It is really picturesque.

Total we will be in Creel three and a half weeks, so we have been here about a week and a half so far. We spent our first week at a boarding school, and are now at the YWAM Creel base where we will be the remainder of our time here.

Creel is a city near the Copper Canyon in the state of Chihuahua. Throughout this area the Tarahumara people live. They are an indigenous tribe descendent from the Mayans. Creel was actually built by the Mexican government in order to mix the Tarahumarans into the rest of Mexican culture, which left them quite resentful towards outsiders. Here, the couple who started the YWAM base have been working here twenty years and have just recently started forming real relationships and making progress with the Tarahumarans. Our leaders were telling us that the progress many YWAM bases see in two or three years is what this base has seen in the twenty years it has been established. That said, it is exciting being able to come in and work with the foundation that has been laid.

At the boarding school our plan was to run a VBS with the kids and help with various work projects around the property. One of the first things we learned though was flexibility. In this culture time isn’t a priority. They are incredibly patient and take their time coming and going, meeting and greeting along the way. Our first day there ran smoothly, fixing the road, tilling the garden, picking up trash, with the VBS in the afternoon. The kids were shy but opened up when we played duck, duck, goose, or as they play, pato, pato, gonzo. Then the second day in the afternoon, when we were ready to start the VBS, the head of the school told us they were going to walk to one of the girl’s homes. That then started what we thought would be a quick walk, to almost a four hour adventure. We then found out that the kids all went home Friday after their morning classes, so we were only able to do the VBS with them one day instead of the four days we thought, because we were leaving on Saturday.

It was a good lesson in flexibility and respecting other’s plans above our own in such a different culture. While there though we were able to do so much, fixing a large part of the road, doing a lot of work on their garden, making a fire pit, and painting a mural on the side of one of their sheds near the playground. So even though we didn’t really do what we planned while there it was still a huge blessing to them.

Working at the YWAM base has been quite different. While we have only been here a few days, it has been very structured and each day has been quite similar. Breakfast, work projects, lunch, VBS in a nearby village in the afternoons, dinner, free time.

The contrast in how the boarding school and the YWAM base are run is interesting. Where the leader of the school was Mexican the leaders at the base are American, and it is so evident in how they communicate and structure our days. For where every day at the school we had to be incredibly flexible, here our days are fairly predictable.

This should be a good next few weeks. The Tarahumarans are beautiful people, and I am so honored to be able to partner with the ministries here working with them. 

Children of Hope

Three weeks in Juarez, now three weeks in Creel. Time is flying by so quickly. Sunday evening we left on a public bus and spent the night traveling to Creel. This city is so beautiful the little I've seen of it so far.

But, to recap last week. Finally having the chance to work with the kids at Rancho Los Amigos, where I thought we were going to work the whole time in Juarez. Those kids melted my heart.

I was on the afternoon and evening shifts at Rancho, so I was with them from 2:30 to 8. Their days are so busy. They have school in the morning till 2:30, then they have a little free time to change out of their school uniforms and play before they have to do homework. From 3-4 they work on their homework, then have free time till dinner at 5. After dinner the kids who aren't on clean up play till 6:45 when they go shower and get ready for bed. They have devotions at 7:30, then lights out is at 8. It was so fun to be able to see the kids throughout their afternoons and evenings and interact with them as they work and play.

My favorite part of the day was devotions and bedtime. There were four girls from my team on the evening shift, so two of us went with the girls, and two with the boys. I was with the little girls, and they were so sweet. I got to teach the devotional two nights during the week, and it was so fun to see how much they love God and see their strong faith in him, especially at such a young age with such hard backgrounds.

At Rancho they really do train up the kids to live successful lives in all aspects. One night last week we had the opportunity to hear from one of the staff members about some of the kids stories and how they came to the home. To see where they came from and the restoration, healing, and hope that they have received was inspirational. The staff really do love the kids and help show them God's love for them.

While it was hard to say goodbye to the kids we started building friendships with, it wasn't as hard as it could have been. Seeing the care and love that the kids receive and knowing that they are being taken care of and are being given incredible opportunities for their future made it easy to go. I knew that every child in that home was in good hands and I had no fear that they were being provided for in every way they needed. Because of this I had a lot of peace in saying goodbye, even if I never see them again.

Throughout this last week, especially, I was often reminded of when I went to Russia four summers ago. Working with the kids there versus here was a very different experience. I remember saying goodbye was the hardest thing ever. In the few weeks we were there we were able to lead so many children to Jesus, but had no way of following up with them. So many times I pray that they were able to find a church, that their parents accepted their beliefs, that they were encouraged to pursue their faith rather than quench it. I still pray that I will have an opportunity to go back to Russia one day, that I will be able to pursue more long term ministry, provide real relationship and discipleship.

Working in Juarez at Rancho showed me that ministries like that are possible. Ministries of restoration and healing for children who had no hope in life. Taking children at risk and turning them into children of hope.

Noisy City

The first night we were in Juarez while everyone was unpacking in our tiny room, I stepped outside to be still amongst all the chaos. Standing alone in the dark, with the moon shining brightly above me, my heart had a chance to be quiet. As I grew still, I noticed the noise around me from the city. Dogs barking, children yelling, voices from the police radio, cars driving by. Such a noisy city.

Now, being here two weeks, with one week left, I am still struck by the noise. In the morning the rooster crows, the water park down the road blasts music, the lion in the zoo grumbles. There isn’t really a moment in our days when the noises stop outside the walls of our base.

Inside the walls there is always plenty of noise as well. Children playing, chickens clucking, music playing, teenagers running after each other with water guns, laughing, singing, talking, noise, noise, noise.

This last week my team was on projects, so we certainly added to the noise, and did a lot of exhausting work while at it. Throughout our five days of work we painted trim on the new kindergarten building, laid concrete, planted lots of trees, watered the trees throughout the rest of the days, and made chicken wire contraptions around the trees to protect them from the bunnies. We also worked on fixing up some apartments for new staff, tore down lots of moldy drywall from the flooding, worked on making the dirt in the garden better for growing, and moved a mound of dirt and rocks to level out a part of the ground.

Such an exhausting week. Every morning I had to wake up and pray for strength to get through each day. My mind and body are not used to hard labor, but if nothing else I got to learn how to rely on God for my strength every day. Despite the poor sleep, hot sun, and hard work, our team accomplished a lot this week which will make a difference for the base in the long run.

On Friday evening we were invited to attend a graduation ceremony of one of the girls at the children’s home that just finished high school. Through seeing the opportunities that she had because of living at Rancho and being able to attend the school here it made our work seem more worth it. Even though we haven’t had as many opportunities to invest in the kids’ lives as I would have liked, we are providing greater opportunities for the staff there to continue pouring into these kids to make a lasting difference in their lives. For even though I might not be making deep friendships with the kids, there are people who are consistently in their lives that we have been able to partner with so that the kids really gain the greatest chances in their lives.

This week I finally have the chance to spend more time at Rancho though, which makes me happy. I will be part of their afternoon and evening routines, helping the kids with their homework, playing with them, eating dinner with them, doing devotionals before bed, and helping the little ones get to bed. It should be a fun week and challenging, I am sure, in different ways.

Here is to another noisy week in Juarez, hanging out and loving on kids.

Amor Por Juarez

After being here in Juarez a week now, a question I keep thinking about is what it really means to be a missionary. Being part of YWAM and doing a short term trip to Mexico, not necessarily what I consider being a missionary. But again and again I will hear my teammates calling themselves missionaries, talking about how we are living like missionaries, or more often how we aren’t living like missionaries. It’s a funny conversation that spins around and around.

Thinking about it more, I suppose we are missionaries in a sense. The way I like to define it is living with people, doing life with them, building relationships, working in their community alongside them, seeing needs and filling them, all to point them to God. In some ways I think it’s fairly natural to be a missionary, by this definition, and often we try too hard or expect that being a missionary is unnatural. Challenging, definitely, but not necessarily unnatural. 

Here in Juarez we are living on the YWAM base in a small neighborhood a little ways outside of the city. We are serving at the children’s home, Rancho Los Amigos, which is on the base, at a soup kitchen a few blocks down the road, and on miscellaneous grounds and maintenance projects around the base.

This last week I was mainly working at the soup kitchen, Commodore. We helped clean the dining area to prepare for lunch, played with the kids as their parents cooked, ate lunch and talked with the people there, and helped do dishes after. Commodore was a community affair. It was fun to see all the different people from around the community come together to prepare the meal and serve it and eat together. We were able to play a small part in that with them, lightening the load for the people who normally cleaned and did dishes, and showing love to the kids who came. We also got to practice our Spanish a lot, as most of the people didn’t speak any English.

Our normal schedule got quite interrupted last Thursday due to rain. There were flash flood warnings all throughout Juarez, and with the roads being sand the whole neighborhood was torn apart. We still went to Commodore, but spent most of the morning putting buckets under leaks in the roof and mopping up rain water, and hardly anyone was able to come. Also that day one of the girls on our team got the flu from the water, another girl stepped on a piece of glass that cut through her foot, and one of our trucks got stuck in the road that turned into a muddy, sewage river. Definitely an eventful day. Later when talking to some of the women at Commodore they said that it hadn’t rained like that in over 40 years. There is now damage all over the city because it is not developed enough to manage heavy rains, it is really awful.

Seeing the community gather together during the flooding though was encouraging to see. They might not have a lot of money, but relationally the people here are rich. Another example of this was today a few of us had the opportunity to help a family move. So many people from the neighborhood were there helping clean, pick up trash, and move furniture. It wasn’t really fun work, but it was fun to be there and help and watch the people interact and be there for each other.

Many times since I’ve been here I have wished we were more integrated into the community, since we are on the base most of the time, but moments when I can be out in the neighborhood I cherish. It is odd that we are only going to be here another two weeks, but I will do my best to make the most of this time.

Road Trip to Mexico

Wisconsin to Mexico, one week, one bus, 21 people, seven states, one break down, and we finally made it.

We spent most of our trip in Oklahoma doing local outreaches, swimming, trying to rest, and doing final prep for Mexico. We were supposed to spend four nights there, but due to some bus trouble we had to spend our first night in Kansas. Thankfully one of our leaders knew a pastor of a church in Kansas City so we spent the night there and drove the rest of the way to Lawton, Oklahoma the next day.

Driving we saw lots of corn fields the first few states, then it steadily got dryer and flatter as we went from Iowa to Missouri to Kansas to Oklahoma. The high 90’s we met in Oklahoma was quite hot compared to the summer we had in Wisconsin. Thankfully one of the host homes we were staying at had a pool, so swimming in our free time made it much more bearable, even though it wasn’t even that hot for Oklahoma.

Then outreach really began, with ministry opportunities each day while there. We were able to serve at a boarding home for boys in Anadarko, Thursday evening. Friday evening we shared at a church worship service, and I actually was the main speaker presenting some of the things we learned in lecture phase as we move on to outreach. Saturday we served at a homeless/low income ministry that meets each Saturday at a park, we did a worship service, message, and helped serve lunch, and spent time talking with everyone there. Then Sunday morning we helped with a Sunday school service at a church back in Anadarko before getting back on the bus to drive to Texas.

What a miserable drive. It was so hot and humid with nothing to see out the windows. But we made it and were treated to some wonderful Western Texas hospitality for one more night before the final stretch to Mexico.

On that last drive we stopped at Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico and spent a few hours walking around the caves. It reminded me of family vacations when I was little. Then a few more hours of driving through the Guadeloupe Mountains to El Paso.

Crossing the border was incredibly easy. Our van crammed full of people and stuff barely had to stop as we drove past the border control with their guns sitting talking watching the cars pass by. Then we were in Mexico! The YWAM base was only another fifteen minute drive after the border. We got settled in, ate some dinner, and went to bed early. Now, morning on the second day, getting ready for orientation. Here is where the fun really begins…

Lecture Phase Over, Mexico Here We Come

Lecture phase is officially over and outreach phase has begun. We headed out this morning for our road trip down to Mexico (I am writing this on the bus, I forgot how bumpy school buses are!). Today we are driving 15 hours to Oklahoma, where we will be for a few days doing local outreaches there. Then we will drive a few more days making stops in Texas and New Mexico before heading down into Juarez, Mexico.

So, the last time I blogged it was right after we got back from backpacking…since then we had the children at risk seminar, a final week of classes and debriefing, and the madness of packing and prepping for outreach.

The children at risk seminar was fantastic. Our speaker was from Colombia and works with street kids there. He gave us so much insight into the building blocks of ministry, how to build the foundations and how to actually go out. It was a very valuable week of teaching.

We started our final week with a question, “How did God surprise you during lecture phase?” The thing that came to mind, in of itself, was a surprise to me. About a month ago when I started thinking about grad school, I started considering getting my doctorate. Somehow when I graduated three months ago I was ready to go straight into missions, maybe get my masters, but I never really considered getting my doctorate. So when I felt that God was calling me to look at those programs honestly I was surprised, then excited, then terrified. But I know that God’s time schedule is different than mine, and even though the idea of going back to school another five years sounds awful at this point, I can trust that it will be completely worth it.

Learning that God sometimes lets us wait for things is a hard lesson to learn, and not one that I thought I would learn by thinking about further education. But it is good I think, for I came into the DTS hoping for direction, this just wasn’t the exact direction I had in mind.

As we went through that last week and the few days leading up to leaving for outreach we did a lot of team communication as well as the logistical preparation. Making sure our hearts and minds were ready for outreach both for ourselves and for team relationships.

These next two months are going to be a challenge for me. Just as these last three months have been as well. My personal struggles of finding balance, figuring out boundaries, restoring my mind and my heart from the hurts of the past years, and many other things, make it even more difficult to then deal with the struggles presented when living in community. I have learned little ways to cope this summer, but I am imagining that outreach will provide new challenges for me in relating graciously with others, no matter how much I love them.

At the same time though there is something exciting and fulfilling in going out to serve others and relying on God in the process, so regardless of the challenges these next two months in Mexico will be worth it, I am sure. 

To Love and Be Loved

If I had to sum up the last two weeks it would be learning to love and be loved. I was not expecting that going into a week on destiny and then a week backpacking in Michigan would teach me so much about love, but it really did.

Destiny, to follow God's call on our life. To overcome difficulties and challenges to reap the benefits of God's blessing. Fairly simple. But two weeks ago all that God wanted to teach me was "love hopes." In I Corinthians 13:7, Paul tells the Corinthians that love hopes all things. When someone you love hurts you, in love you hope that they did not mean it for evil, you hope for the best in others, yourself, God, you hope that God has the best in mind for you. That first full week in August was a week of hurt, restoration, joy, and love. Thursday, my birthday, ended with a night laying under the stars with friends coming along side me showing love. If earlier in the week I did not hope for the best in these same friends, Thursday would not have been the same. Love hopes.

Then this last week, backpacking in the Upper Peninsula in Michigan along Lake Superior. So beautiful. I loved being in the outdoors, basking in God's creation. But I found it very hard to love the others in my DTS. In my physical tiredness I lost all patience for others. I often desired to go out, be alone, but instead had to do something for another. Really the week hiking was quite easy, but emotionally I never wanted to show my weaknesses, but being with others all the time made that impossible, so I often broke down crying for no real reason.

Some other fun challenges included: learning to poop in the woods, having to set up and tear down camp every day, trying to find firewood in the damp woods, waking up early every day after hardly sleeping, having dirt constantly under my fingernails, having to lick my dishes clean after meals, drinking iodized lake water, trying to sit by the fire and avoid the smoke, having one 11 mile day hiking, having to pack out all our trash and nasties, losing my Russia ring. But all these challenges were nothing compared to the beauty we were surrounded with.

Sunlight streaming through green leaves soaring above us. Tiny orange mushrooms splattered across the ground. Bark folding off birch trees. Stars reflected on a smooth lake at night. Mushrooms growing up a tree. Seeing Lake Superior for the first time and realizing it actually looks like the ocean. Finding completely smooth round rocks in the sand. Picking blueberries along the path as we hiked. Watching the trees change from campsite to campsite, from deciduous to evergreen. Hiking along side Lake Superior. Black-eyed Susans in a field. Neon colored leaves strewn throughout the woods. Tiny crystals of sand with so many colors. Standing on the edge of a sand dune feeling the wind in my skin.

So much beauty and life in God's creation. Each tiny moment making it all worth it. Learning to love regardless of all else, learning to accept love from others, learning that God truly loves me and has a plan and a purpose for my life.

Hanging out in the Corn

I haven't had a chance to post in awhile, so I thought I might try to figure out some updates to share with you all. I'm still alive, the corn is growing taller, and I am getting more and more tired. But God is teaching me all sorts of things, and I'm continually learning to trust in his faithfulness.

August...just one month till we leave for outreach. Last night we held an awareness event about Rancho Los Amigos, the children's home we will be serving at in Juarez, Mexico. On outreach we will be serving at Rancho for the first month, then will be going South to Creel, Mexico for the second month. Planning for the awareness event has taken up a lot of extra time these last few weeks. As we gathered information, got decorations, made food, prepared games for the kids, put together pictures, our hearts grew for the children in Juarez. Although not many people were able to go the event last night, the fact that I now have a greater heart for the people we will be serving makes is worthwhile to me.

Also, about outreach, I still have more funds to raise. If you feel called to help support me with that, I would greatly appreciate it! We haven't been told the exact number we have to raise, but it will be between 1500-2500 dollars. A few weekends ago I was blessed by my church community back in Spokane. They put on a yard sale to help me raise support, which brought in about 1200, which I am so grateful for.

This last week we had our last official Camp Tuesday. This week we are helping host a carnival for the kids and presentation for the parents, then Camp Tuesday will be done for the summer. It has been fun serving there these past few weeks. Being on the worship team has had challenging moments, but has been so worth it. This last week, a lot of the girls sang along with us and danced and praised, and it was so exciting to see them actually learning the words, where most weeks they would just stare at us and sometimes clap along. It was encouraging to see the truth of the words impacting their hearts.

Since I blogged last, we have had three speakers, one on the Holy Spirit, one on evangelism, and one on relationships. All challenging weeks in some ways, confirming in others, and terribly exhausting. I'm still processing it all, but am starting to accept the fact that I just won't be able to really grasp all of it in these short busy weeks. Thankfully we are getting the recordings of all the teachings, so I will be able to go back and listen to them later...because as it is, it is impossible to really hold onto all the teachings like I want to.

Next week we are talking about destiny. The last week or so I have started thinking again about grad schools, and am leaning back to wanting to further study clinical psychology. Part of me is almost afraid of going in this route because it will require so much school and many other fears, but I know that if this is really where God is leading me, it will be so good. Hopefully this week will give me a little more insight into all of this!

For now though...its time to go watch Rise of the Guardians! I love children's movies.

Halfway Processing

This morning in class they announced that we are halfway through the lecture phase of DTS. It is crazy how fast the weeks have gone. This blog focuses on some of the general teachings of the past five weeks and the big takeaways that I have had. I am definitely still processing it all though, so bear with me if not everything makes sense!

Back at the beginning of the school we had a week focusing on hearing God's voice. We learned about God's love for us and that we were created to be in relationship with him. With this relationship we should then expect to hear from God in our day to day lives. There was the idea of inviting God into the "peanut butter moments," the simple parts of your day. For God wants us to communicate with him in the little moments, and not only in big moments. One of the big takeaways for me was the importance of choosing life every day and having expectations that God does indeed speak to us.

The second week focused on God's kingdom. We discussed what it means for God's kingdom to be now but not yet, and how we shouldn't try to separate God from our everyday life. In our culture we have a split between sacred and secular, which really isn't founded on the Bible. Every human is created in God's image and can contribute to God's kingdom even if they are not in a relationship with him. Because of this it is foolish to label things "Christian" or "Secular" and instead to allow God to speak through every part of his creation.

Things then shifted to a more personal level. The third week was looking at the Father heart of God. We were presented with the idea that past authority figures in our life can skew the way we view our relationship with God. Hurts in our life in areas of discipline, rejection, affection, generosity, faithfulness, attentiveness, and others, color the way we view God and affect how we walk with him. We were encouraged throughout the week to examine our own lives and hurts and see if we have allowed our negative experiences to change our perspective on God's character.

Stemming from the idea of our perspectives of God being skewed, the next week focused on worldview and God's heart for justice. Ideas have consequences, and the ideas that are at the core of our beliefs will shape how we live. We looked at truth, how it has been skewed, and how we can view it correctly. We also looked at the problem of evil and why God allows it to occur. The basis for this teaching was in God's love, and because his love is so great he gave humans the ability to choose which then can lead to evil. It is mind blowing to me that God's love is what allows evil, and that he is grieved when he sees the evil and injustices on our earth. He has a plan for the earth and for redemption at the end of the age, but in his love he allows humans free will. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what I think about all this. The topics of God's will, his foreknowledge, human choice, justice, the problem of evil, how our worldview has veered from the truth, and all those other hard questions, aren't easy to grapple with.

Then last week we talked about the fear of the Lord. Similarly to the previous weeks, the teaching focused on relationship. For we must understand God's love and his grace before being able to grasp his might, his holiness, and his hatred of sin. Fear then was defined as reverence and an affectionate awe in our response to God's greatness. It also is defined as God's hatred of sin, and when we fear God we have the ability to turn from our sin. The week then ended talking about dealing with sin and the process of becoming aware, confessing, repenting, asking forgiveness, receiving forgiveness, renouncing the hold of the sin, and being restored.

Throughout these weeks there has been a theme of relationship. Every topic has been approached this way in order that we can truly grasp the idea that because God loves us and longs to be in relationship with us obedience and trust in him will be a natural response to his love for us. This truth then grants freedom to walk with him knowing that he is truly faithful and has our best interests at heart. I think I am starting to understand all this, but it has been a slow and difficult process for me to truly open my heart to God's love so I can walk in the truths we have been learning. I know though that God isn't done with me yet.

Creativity is Intelligence Having Fun

The focus of my DTS is children at risk. Before arriving in Madison, I thought that everyone in the school was doing this as well, but found out that half the school was focusing on community development instead. With this, we have separate focus nights on Thursdays and project days on Fridays.

This last week we focused on the impact of art when working with kids.

One of our staff members is an artist and an art teacher, so she was able to give us a great perspective on how we can partner with God creatively, especially when working with kids.

Talking about using art to connect with kids reminded me of when I studied in Copenhagen. A lot of what we studied there was alternative forms of therapy with kids with special needs to provide an inclusive learning environment. We looked at play therapy, art therapy, sensory gardens, and many other things. I love the idea of allowing kids to share their stories in the best way possible for them. For many kids, if they have through trauma, it is difficult to articulate what happened to them. But if they are given a medium through which they can express themselves, whether that is through drawing pictures, or making a story book, or playing with dolls, they are given the power to overcome their trials. 

Also, when children are given the ability to express themselves, it gives them a sense of worth. When a child is invested in, and is allowed to be themselves, they can find that they hold value, and that they are not defined by their past. One of the biggest goals in working with children is to help them find their identity in Christ, which can take time and healing. Art is just one of the many ways that can be used to help children open up to this idea. 

Albert Einstein said that "creativity is intelligence having fun." The simple joy of using your hands with your mind to create is something that everyone can do. Some to a large extent, and some less, but it is a simple way to connect with people and provide a means of expression.  

A fun way that we will be applying this concept is on outreach. In Juarez, we will be working at Ranchos Amigos, a children's home attached to the YWAM base. Each of the children at risk students will be leading a small group, and will be helping the kids complete a special project during the month we are there. We have been encouraged to explore the ways in which we can partner with God creatively to come up with an idea for a project. This can be anything from photography, to dance, to music, to crochet, or any talent or passion you have. Currently I am planning to do something with recycled art, helping the kids turn trash into treasure, although I am not sure yet exactly what that will look like. 

It should be interesting as we continue to explore how to work with children at risk and how we can use our unique gifts and talents in bringing God's hope and restoration.

Its All About Relationship

This last week was the first week of actual classes. We studied the kingdom of God and the importance of relationship. Its going to take me awhile to really get into the swing of things here. Every day we go, go, go, and my mind and body are exhausted. With the long days of living and learning I have had many chances to bond with teammates, but there have also been moments of frustration. The blessing and curse of living in community...there are always people around if you need to talk, but then there are always people around when you don't want to talk. I must say though, I have become really good friends with my ear plugs and eye mask, which makes sleeping much more pleasant.

This week we also started our local outreach, Camp Tuesday. Every week we will be going and and working near two apartment complexes and doing an afternoon summer program with the kids that live there. I am on the singing team, but there is also a teaching, games, science activities, and crafts. It will be fun and challenging working and building relationships with these kids each week.

The past few nights though have been quite memorable. We went to a drive-in theater and saw Monster's University, and I saw a firefly for the first time. We had a tornado warning and had to cram into the basement. Growing up in Eastern Washington with maybe threats of wild fires in the summer, it was a little overwhelming dealing with this new threat that I never really imagined I would have to deal with. That said, I of course started crying, but I had my trusty pillow pet in hand, and was just great. Then last night, a group of us came together to pray. It was a powerful time of opening up to each other, we cried and shared and grew together a little more.

Today we started a week long series on the Father heart of God. Looking at our misconceptions of authority figures and how that has affected the way that we view God's love for us in our lives. The reality of God's love is sometimes hard to really understand in our broken world. But in seeking him, listening to him, experiencing him, we learn to see him for who he is and see that he loves us truly and unconditionally.

I know that God is working in my heart, and I pray that I won't get too overwhelmed with all this learning. With the busy days there is a lot to process, and it is tricky balancing my time in order to stay most alert in classes. God is good though, and will help me learn what I need to learn.

New Beginnings

Here I am. YWAM Madison. Exactly one week. Its always funny to me how one week in these sorts of settings feel like such a long time. While I am here, especially during the three month training phase I will do my best to update my blog once a week. During the school, we will have a different topic each week, so I am sure I will have enough thoughts to write a blog once a week.

This last week was getting used to being here, orientation, and a little bit of teaching near the end of the week. There have been lots of silly moments, tired moments, serious moments, and I love it.

So, some basics about the school. YWAM, DTS...fun acronyms. Youth With A Mission, founded in 1960 by Loren Cunningham (we spent last week reading his book, Is That Really You God?, about YWAM's founding). Their mission statement is "to know God and to make him known," which is then the basis for our entire DTS, or Discipleship Training School. With the focus of children at risk or community development, 15 young adults from all over the world, hanging out in Madison, WI for the summer, then to Mexico in the Fall. For the summer, we are staying at the training center, which is a couple miles north of Madison, surrounded by corn fields. It is absolutely beautiful. So much green.

We live in community, sleeping, eating, and doing life together. It is fun, but exhausting. The introvert in me hasn't been thriving, but I do my best to take some time each day to sit and be still.

Throughout the next three months we will be living and learning in this community. Each day we have quiet time, classes, community responsibilities (ie dinner prep, for me anyway), and maybe some free time. Then every Monday evening we will be heading into the city for a worship and intercession night with the entire YWAM Madison base, for our DTS is just a small part of the entire base in the city. Tuesday evenings we will be doing our local outreach in Madison, running a summer program for kids in a lower income neighborhood. Thursday evenings we will have classes for our specific focuses. Most of the time everyone in the DTS will have classes together, but these nights we will do specific learning. For me, children at risk, but for others community development. Then also on Fridays we will do a specific project with our focus group in preparation for the outreach in the Fall.

This will be a good five months, I am sure. I already feel close to many of the other DTS members, and hope to get close to the others. We are a tight knit group of members and staff and I am excited to see what the following months will bring.

This past week the focus of the lectures was on relationship to God. As YWAM's mission states one of the primary goals of a DTS is to know God, and as we grow in relationship with him, the natural outflow will be to make him known. It is fun to see the structure of the DTS so closely follow the mission of YWAM. For these three months of training will lead into outreach, giving us opportunity to truly know God, and then to make him known.

So, here's to new beginnings again. Ladies and gentlemen, its adventure time.

Support Letter

I would like to let you know about an exciting opportunity I have been given for June through November 2013. I have been accepted into the Children at Risk Discipleship Training School (DTS) in Madison, Wisconsin through Youth With A Mission (YWAM).

YWAM is an international organization that equips young adults to work in missions, whether locally or abroad. The DTS I have been accepted to focuses on ministering to children who are at risk. Some examples of risk factors include: poverty, human trafficking, child soldiers, orphaned children, etc. There is a huge need for people in our world to rise up and address the issues that put children at risk and I want to join this movement.

This is where the DTS comes in. The first three months will consist of intensive training and local outreaches. I will be joining other young adults with a heart for children at risk. We will learn how to work with children in an effective way and gain God’s heart for the lost and broken in our world. The last two months of the DTS will be field ministry. Past Children at Risk DTS’s have gone to countries in Asia, Africa, and the Caribbean; I do not know yet where ours will go.

As I embark on this exciting journey, I am requesting that you will partner with me through your support. Foremost, I need your prayers. These five months will be challenging as I learn and put my hands to work, and I know that without your prayer support I will go nowhere. Secondly, if you feel called to do so, I will need financial support. For the training period, I must raise $3,400, to cover housing, food, and tuition. For the outreach period there will be additional funds necessary to cover plane tickets, food, and housing while there.

If you do choose to financially support me, because the DTS is a training course, funds will not be tax deductible. You can donate via Paypal using the link below.

Your prayers and support mean so much to me. I am excited to share in this experience with you!